9 miles, graduation, new life...

It's time to leave behind college, and push onward toward my new adult life.

I graduated on Saturday, I was so happy and so very proud of myself :) But now that I'm packing up my things to move tomorrow, I'm feeling remorseful. I don't want to leave behind the happy life I have created for myself here. I adore my roommate, I love where I live, I love my friends, and I love the routine and safety of college. I'm good at college. I think a bit of these feelings are steaming from the fact that I am moving back in with my parents while my roommate builds her new house. Once it is built I am able to move back in with her, however - it may not work out with the house building. And therefore I will be left stuck at my parents until I find a new place. I'm very scared that this will happen. I also am nervous to be starting a new real job. Excited for the pay checks, but nervous. This is a new thing for me, it will challenge me, and it will change me for the better. One thing that won't change is my friends. They will still be there, and that keeps me strong. Goodbye old life, hello new life.




I did a 9 mile run today, 106 minutes. 1 hour, and 46 minutes. It felt bitter sweet. I was glad I pushed myself to 9, but unhappy still that I couldn't have done more, that my body isn't the way I want it. Why am I having these feelings that whatever I do is not good enough. I just ran 9 miles and I don't feel amazing. Something is going on with my self image.

I've been dating around, and it's not making me happy. I feel like I'm not into anyone that I've met, and that I'm wasting my time because I have no desire to be in a relationship right now. I watch a commercial on tv about a happily married couple and think, wow - I cant' imagine spending that much time with someone right now.

What is going on with me. Poor self image, lack of boy craziness. Hopefully after I move and things settle in I will return back to my old self. Or, maybe this is just a new self starting to emerge...

Also, I hit a deer yesterday with my car. It was shocking. The worst part was watching it fly over my car and writhe in pain on the road behind me. I felt so bad for this poor deer. We went back to shoot it, but it had walked away - thank god. I just hope it's okay, and won't die a slow death from internal bleeding or something. I got a massive dent in my car, but that's all. It'll stay that way too, because I don't have the money to fix cosmetic things about my car. Such is life. I'm glad I reacted the way I did and drove straight through it versus ending up in the ditch. Poor deer :(

Last weekend I got to be a model in a vintage fashion show at my mom's church's tea party. It was neat. I felt kind of awesome that I could fit into the tiny clothes that no one else could :) Here's my 80's look:

Been a while!

Well it has been a while. I'm at 118 pounds now, and happy with it. Ran a 10k last weekend, it was a blast! Got a new job, moving, graduating, throwing parties, having parties, I have 3 piano gigs coming up, life is crazy! Good crazy :)

Although, eating has been less than spectaular. Had a few too many drinks last night, and had a left over turkey burger for breakfast, nachos for lunch. I'm completely out of fresh produce. I hope to go grocery shopping today or tomorrow and get my act in order. I need to re-focus my efforts - yes life is stressful, but it'll be even worse if I'm feeling like crap due to eating like crap.

I'm kind of seeing someone as mentioned before. Not sure if it's going to go anywhere, but he's very sweet and a ton of fun. There's not possibility for me having a relationship at this point in my life!



I got a new swim suit :) Here I am at 118 lbs. I am still struggling with an unrealistic body image. I still feel chubby. My legs particularly. Maybe if I stop running, hah - yeah right. I just feel like no number on the scale is ever going to be good enough. I need to stop relying on that number to track my progress. I have to start setting fitness goals and working towards them...


A few pictures from the race last weekend.

I was chatting with my friend the other day when he asked about my boyfriend. When I informed him that he had broken up with me he replied "his loss, he was quite average looking, you were too hot for him" lol. While that was not the nicest thing to say, it did make me feel a bit better.

Did very poorly last night.... had tacos, drinks, and some pasta salad. I pretty much ate crap yesterday, I did do a pretty good strength work out though. Just got back from 4 miles at the gym. I wanted to do 5 but my stomach was killing me, probaby due to all the crap I ate last night. Just finished a bowl of raisin bran, then I am headed to work. Planning to take Isaac for a long walk in the stroller, get some more cardio in.

I feel the best about my body then I ever have my entire life - it's a great feeling, and I'm looking forward to feeling even better about it. I just bought a new swim suit, and can't wait to take a progress picture in it to compare to my old pictures.... 30 pounds gone forever!!!

My ex that I used to live with asked me to go out for drinks Thursday, we just hung out yesterday. He has a girlfriend (they aren't doing so hot), yet keeps wanting to hang out with me. Whenever we are around each other it's constant flirting all the time (he initiates it). He sits literally right next to me leg to leg arm to arm touching when we sit on the couch. I'm not sure what he's thinking. He needs to cut it out and respect his girlfriend. It's hard to stay away from him though, we have this chemistry that I've never had with anyone - and we both know it, we've talked endlessly about it. But we suck as a couple. To bad. Maybe he'll grow up someday, learn to trust people, learn to love. For now, he is hands down - the most fun person I've ever met :)

Sunday

What a fun weekend :)

Friday I went to a friends to say goodbye she is going to Colorado for a week. We had a few glasses of wine. I've had a few dates with her neighbor. They called us so we went over there and drank even more wine. We were playing categories, and this guy I like made the rule that every time something or other happened, I had to kiss him. Very elementary right, but I thought it was kind of cute, seeing as we'd never kissed before. So, it comes up that I have to kiss him, and I kissed him.... pretty good too :) I thought it was cute. Anyways, yesterday he took me out to dinner, then we went to a bonfire at his friends house. it was great to meet such friendly people. He's so darn cute too... and he smells good, can dress well, is in shape, is fun, a huge flirt, is down to earth... and hes' a really good kisser. I feel like a teenager writing about a date, but oh well.

Just a picture of a friend who left for Colorado and I. She's entertaining as always...




Food wise, not so great over the weekend. Yesterday I had mac and cheese, and then a burger and chips for dinner - plus some alcohol. today I grabbed some fast food (sorry body), and we're grilling burgers right now for dinner. Well, tomorrow I start over.

Tomorrow I have an interview also, I'm a bit nervous but I have to get it done with. The more interviews I go to the better right?

Friday - 121

I'm finally down in weight! I hope to keep this cycle continuing.

This week shaped up well. I was chosen to pilot a new teacher performance assessment. I am of 3 that were chosen out of the entire elementary and early childhood ed departments at school. :) I'm good I guess? We'll see...

2 dates this weekend (how the hell did that happen), 1 interview, and a very long spring break. Life is finally feeling good.

Foods today:

breakfast: raisin bran - 230
snack: 1/2 hamburger bun, few raisins - 60
lunch: turkey (60), tortilla (110), cheese (110), pizza sauce (30), orange (60) - 370
snack: peeps - 170

So far: 830

Run: 5.7 miles
Calories burnt: 650

Having wine and some sort of dinner this evening, not sure what the plan is. Headed to the cities tonight for the weekend.

Monday 122.5

Weighed myself on a friends scale. Said 117.5.

???

B: 2 eggs, pinch of cheese - 200
S: cookie (more birthdays...) - 200
L: yogurt (60), oatmeal (175), meat/cheese/crackers (200), 435
S: celery, carrots, dip (100)
S: Caribou - 75
D: Salmon (100), spinach (25), Dressing (40), Parm (20) - 205

Total: 1215

Work out: 30 day shred level 1.

Walked for over an hour yesterday, got shin splints. 5 mile run planned for tomorrow. I felt very hungry tonight. Good thing, maybe I'll loose some of this weight finally.

Boys boys boys. They seem to be coming out of the woodwork. I'm not seeking or looking for anything right now either. But I'm not happy, and I don't really want any of them due to the fact that I'm just not happy. I'm trying...

I feel like maybe if I lose some more weight, then I'll feel happy. Seems to have worked before. I hopefully joined a co-ed softball league for the summer. I hope to meet some cool people through that! :) I've always wanted to do some sort of team sport. Time to start working on my upper body!

Saturday - ?

It's been a while.

So things have been a bit crazy! School and work have been taking up a lot of my time.

Drove down to see a girlfriend in the cities last night. I was feeling sad, needed a friend. She was set on going out, so we went out last night when all I wanted to do was stay in and watch a movie. When I wasn't having fun or wanting to talk to guys like she wanted to do, she moped as long as possible, and we finally went home. Later in the evening she told me that if I didn't want to go out I should have told her so she didn't have to spend all that time doing her hair and make-up. She would have pushed me to go even if I had said that. She doesn't realize other people's feelings. So during the night when I was trying to talk to her about what's been on my mind, and why I'm not feeling the greatest, she really didn't want anything to do with it. She just wanted to talk to guys. Sorry dear, there's more to life then hitting on randoms at the bar who probably just want to sleep with you anyway. There are few decent men in this world.

Speaking of, I had a date today with the guy mentioned before who was sleeping with my keys. I went because I said I would, didn't' expect much. However, I was very pleasantly surprised :) Very very cute, good taste, enjoys wine and knows what 3 buck chuck is, big into music - went to school for music recording, owns his home, has a strong work ethic. So - there will be a date #2. :) A very cautious one though.

Did 8 miles yesteray. Been sick still, so I didn't want to push it to 9. Next week though, 9 miles it is!!!

What I've eaten today was from Fridays from said date, and an apple. Not hungry, that will probably be all I eat. Tomorrow is Sunday. It's hard to plan the weekends, so I'll just see how it goes.

Thursday food log

B: oat meal, apple - 220
S: 1 graham cracker, apple sauce - 90
L: granola bar, apple - 240
S: 1 graham cracker, apple sauce - 90
D: grilled cheese 200, 1/2 grape fruit 50, carrots 75, dip 75 = 400

Total: 1040

Wednesdays are tough

Slept through the night last night for the first time in a LONG time. Thanks to NyQuil anyway. I will be doing that again tonight for sure. No bad dreams or anything!

So I think I ate too much today. I just feel so full.

B: oatmeal, small apple - 215
S: 2 cups popcorn, 1/2 apple - 125
L: granola bar, apple - 235
S: 1 cup cheez-its - 250?
S: 2 hershey's kisses - 50
D: Chicken breast, lettuce, parm. ceaser salad - ~300 maybe?

Total: about 1200 I'm guessing.

Gym: 3 miles, ~250 calories burnt, 35 minutes

I've been reflecting. I'm not so upset about my recent relationship ending, I went into that conversation prepared for that outcome. I realized what I am upset about is not being wanted, being rejected - not about loosing him as a person/relationship. (Although, he is a wonderful guy! We just didn't work) I'm usually the one who ends relationships. The last time I was dumped was at least 6 years ago. I know - get off my high horse. But it's a feeling I wasn't prepared for, however it is a beneficial feeling seeing as everyone needs a healthy dose of reality.

Geez, I sure need to get over myself eh?

Tomorrow:
B: Oatmeal, 1/2 grape fruit - 220
S: ?
L: Granola bar, apple - 235
S: ?
D: Lettuce wrap probably.

------------------

Haha, my roommate just informed me that her boyfriend's devilishly handsome cousin has been wanting to ask me out for a long time now. And seeing as I am single now - they're trying to set us up on a date. Well, he is a teacher...

8 Miles!

Just got back from the gym. Did my first 8 mile run :) 8 miles, 950 calories burned, ~94 minutes. I feel pretty good.


Yes, I took a picture :)

I hope I don't feel like crap tomorrow. Going out with some girlfriends tonight. That'll be fun.

So here's what I ended up eating today:

b: cereal w/milk, grapefruit - 260
s: 1/2 cup of cereal - 75
L: granola bar, apple - 220
s: 1 cupcake (I hate when kids bring in cupcakes for their birthdays! I have to eat it because we do a group snack time, and I have to model...) - 200
s: 3/4 a power bar - 165
D: lettuce wrap; provolone, turkey, sprouts, about 10 carrots and dip, handful of chips and dip - 350

Total: about 1270. This is all estimated, I'm not positive about any of it. But, seeing as I burnt 900 calories today - I'm in the green. Woot.

Monday - 124

Today I start my full time student teaching. For the next 9 weeks, it's full time job, zero pay. Wonderful. I will be working a few hours though still with my nanny job.

All the make-up in the world could not cover my haggard eyes this morning. Crying + not sleeping a single wink = me looking like a puffy zombie. Wonderful start to the day. Plus, I feel absolutely miserable. I have this cough that involved hacking up crap, so very attractive. Oh well - still planning an 8 mile run today. I have some feelings to pound out.

Again, my dreams were laden with unhappiness. I dreamt that my family basically "broke up" with me. They took away my bed and made me give most of the space in my bedroom to my sister. Then they made me sleep on the floor in my sisters room. They never invited me to family meals, or saved me any food. I remember just feeling so angry and hurt by them, yelling at them for not including me - but they just ignored me. That sucked.

Goal today; stay busy. I hope to finish the Twlight series in the next few weeks. Today's plan is to go to school, hit the gym after wards, come home shower, eat dinner, study for a few hours for my text, then be in bed by 10 reading. Repeat all week plus or minus the gym.

B: 1/2 grape fruit, raisin bran/milk, tea, 260
S: at preschool ?
L: yogurt, granola bar - 240
S: at preschool?
S: 1/2 power bar before my run - 140
D: Chicken Caesar salad, garlic bread - 350

Tired

Hold my hand while you cut me down
it had only just begun but now it's over now
and you're in the heat of moments with your heart playing up cold
I'm between the middle watching hastiness unfold
in my eyes you were smiling in the spotlight dancing with the night
when I fell off your mind

I'm tired of trying
your teasing ain't enough
fed up of biding your time
when I don't get nothing back
and for what, and for what, and for what
when I don't get nothing back
Boy, I'm tired

~Adele
_______________

As predicted. Wrong pages... I haven't cried over a guy in years and years. Damn, why did I have to like him so much? Looking forward to when I can turn this page and start over. Let's hope it happens quickly, I'm to busy to be this sad.

Sunday

B: 1/2 grapfruit, oatmeal, tea - 210
L: Lettuce wrap; turkey, provolone, sprouts, lettuce - 150
S: Chips, salsa - 200?
D: Pizza

Meeting up with the boyfriend for dinner (thus the pizza). I have a lot on my mind about me being unhappy, and I hope we can fix it, because he's pretty great. Our relationship is void of any affection or emotion. From him anyway, I try to bring those things - but it's like hitting a dead end every time. I feel like I'm in this way more then he is. I'm wanting something more serious, if he doesn't - then sadly we are on the wrong page. it seems like he doesn't care much about this as a "relationship". I feel like I'm there for little play dates and sex. No relationship aspects of it. I can't imagine him wanting to spend a weekend with me - and I don't like that feeling. I want someone who wants me equally.



The weekend wasn't too bad calorie wise... went out for my roommates birthday Friday night. Shared some garlic bread and a calzone with a friend, then proceeded to have drinks. We ordered Jimmy Johns around 3 am, but I don't' think I had any. I had a ton of fun though! Met some really cool people - A few pictures from the birthday party :)





Off to study for my teaching licensure test. Fun filled day.

Wednesday - ???

Have not weighed myself today, I should not be weighing every day - it is a bad obsession!

Had a short day at preschool, and now I get the rest of the afternoon off! lucky me! Already went to the gym, did 5.25 miles. Ran for 1 hour. :) Burnt about 600 calories.

B: Raisin bran w/ milk, banana 260
S: few pretzels, half an apple - 130
S: 1/2 an energy bar before my run - 140
L: lettuce wrap, salami, cheese, sprouts - 120

That sits at 700 I still need some carbs to energize after my long run, I may have peanut butter toast, I may not. I'm not hungry at all.

Don't know about dinner, heading down to visit my dad and then my boyfriend this evening, so whatever happens happens. I have plenty of calories left since I burnt quite a few during my work out.

Tuesday - 122.5

Today is my last day of my Special Ed. Methods class! I am excited for this to be over. It was basically a waste of time. The amount of content we learned could have been taught in two class session. Instead it was drug out over 8 class sessions + a lot of wasted time. Who knew my college tuition was going towards wasted time, great.

Well, went for a run this morning. First run of the year outside! 3 miles. I tried to run with the dog, but she couldn't keep up because she has a bum leg, so I had to turn back and bring her inside and start again. It was nice to be outside again.

B: yogurt, granola, 4 strawberries. ~200
L: We are having a taco bar in class today for the last day, so.... that'll be interesting. Hopefully I'm light with servings. ~500 ?
D: turkey/lettuce/sprouts/cheese wrap and green beans. - 325

Total; about 1,000
Run: 3 miles

Lost is on tonight! I can't forget about it like I did last week lol.

Mildly entertaining story...
Last weekend I was at my friend's neighbors house (composed of 2 guys my age) having a few drinks after the bars. We were all talking, and one of the guys and I were conversing well, similar interests, what have you. I made it clear I had a boyfriend to him... But as he drank more, he kept asking me if he could take me on a date, wanting my number, etc. etc. And I continuously told him I had a boyfriend. So anyway, I ended up leaving my keys there and Rachel and I snuck in at 7am to find them. They were both passed out on the couch. And this one guy was curled up on the couch holding my keys while he slept. Now if that isn't strange.....

Sunday fun day - 124

Another weekend disaster. I'll need to do a lot of work to make up for it. I ate Mc Donalds, gah! I'm up 2 pounds. It was my old roommates birthday yesterday, so I went out with all my old colelge friends that I haven't seen in a while. They're great - but I don't really miss them or their shenanigans, pot smoking, and shot taking.


Can't even count what I ate this weekend, Friday and Saturday. Plus copious amounts of alcohol. Next weekend is my roommates birthday, plus we're eating at Old Chicago. I'm going to have to plan wisely. No drinking this week with my girlfriends.

Today:
B: Lettuce wrap, turkey, cheese, sprouts - 120
S: Left taquito- 150
D: Subway - 420
S: Chips - 150

Total: 840

I hope I'll get back soon.

I'm panicking right now, I accidentally turned in an assignment late and got a zero on it. If I get no more points docked anything else off I'll get a 95%. But what if I do? I'm terrified right now, how stupid of me to not even notice when it was due. I thought I was turning it in early! Little did I know I was a week late.... :( I feel horrible. I know it sounds petty, but I've got to get all A's. I'm going to be very upset with myself if I don't.

I applied for another job today. 4 applications out, 1 interview set up so far! It is a bit nerve wrecking applying for preschool teaching jobs when I don't actually have my license yet. I will be taking the big test on March 13th. I have yet to start studying though. That's not being very proactive is it...

Last week of school. I have two large projects to do, edit my entire TWS again with the corrections from my professor, and do a reading review exam. I could start doing those tonight, but I probably won't.

Tomorrow's plan.

B: pear, oatmeal - 250
S: At school? - 100
L: Tea, salad - 200
S: At school ? - 100
D : Taquito, green beans - 300

Gym: 5 miles

I did 7 last Friday, It was amazing. However my hip flexors are in serious pain (like always). They're getting better, so hopefully tomorrow will be better and I can run!

Friday - 122

Still 122. Have patience.

Yesterdays foods:
B: cereal pear 310
S: Cookie/frosting at school - 150
Dunner: potatoes/cheese, carrots/dip - 345

Others:
ice cream 100
wine 150
mikes hard lemonade 220 (!!!!)

Total; 1275

Geesh.

I have Friday's off. So today I plan to do a long run at the gym (6 miles I hope!), got to caribou and get a test done for school, and maybe do a little shopping in St. Cloud. I'm sick of being in this house alone. I'm getting so lonely, the only people I see during the week are my classmates or preschoolers. I simply can not wait to be done house sitting!

I don't know how today will pan out for food.

B: granola/yogurt/banana - 230
S: bun with almond butter - 112
Caribou: medium cappaccino - 50
L: Subway maybe - 420
D: who knows!

My favorite day! 122

I love Wednesdays. I start school at 8:30, and am done by 2:10. It's a short day due to student teaching at two different sites. However, last week is my last week of doing school + student teaching. After next week, I will be a full time student teacher. Bring on the stress! really though it shouldn't be to bad, in fact I hope it's much more fun and exciting then school is. Right now I look forward to school because it is mentally stimulating, where as when I am student teaching, I spend the day doing random tasks for the teachers or just watching. It gets VERY boring.

So yesterday's actual:
B: Cereal/banana 280
S: Choc. chip banana bread/peanut butter/pretzals 450
D: turkey, provolone, spinach, onions, wrap, 1/2 grape fruit 300
S: 1/2 grape fruit, cocoa; 160
Total: 1,190
Gym: Didn't happen.... :(

Totay's goals:
B: 1/2 bun w/ 1tbs almond butter, 1/2 banana, 290
S: ? (at preschool) 150
L: 1/2 cup yogurt, 1/3 cup granola, pear 260
D: 1 cup rice, 1/4 cup chedder cheese, 1 can green beans, 340
Total: 1040 About 150 left for flex. maybe I'll have a glass of wine tonight if I don't' go over on anything.

Gym: if I get my homework done, 3 miles!

Tomorrow I hope to run a 6.5 miler, maybe 7 if I feel up for it. I have to pick up some more energy bars!

Blank Tuesday - 122

Again, the cycle continues. I spend the beginning of every week trying to recover from the weekend. I've decided to really commit myself this time. If I can loose more weight, I will be able to run faster and with less pain.

Yesterdays foods:
B: oat meal, 1/2 grape fruit (200)
S: 1 cup cereal (150)
L: Pita with spinach, turkey, 1 slice provolone (220)
S: Sucker, 3 licorice, small orange (160)
D: 2 egg omlet with feta/avacado, 2 cups green beans (470)
Total: 1,160 calories consumed

Gym: 3 miles/35 minutes 350 calories burnt

Today's plan:
B: Total raisin bran, 1/2 banana: 260
S: ? at school - 300
S: granola bar, 1/2 grape fruit - 200
D: turkey, 1 slice provolone, 1 whole wheat wrap, onions, 1/2 cup grape tomatoes: 255
Gym: 3 miles

I have been feeling pretty sad lately. Things aren't going as dandy as usual with the boyfriend, of course I'm sure he's oblivious to the fact. I'm just not feeling cared about the way I feel cared about. I need touch, hugs, cuddling, sincere touches. Things are getting boring, and I feel like he's making no effort to move forward. I can't wait forever, and I don't like boring. He is really wonderful, but so far I have yet to feel that feeling. I've felt it before, and I want it back. Maybe it needs more time, maybe he needs more time to open up and attempt to get close to me, maybe he's not right for me. Time will tell. For now, I'm hoping things will change for the better. I don't like feeling that I'm not getting the most from my relationship.

Did my first 6 mile run a few days ago. First time since the 10k last year. I as ecstatic! This weeks goal - 7 miles! Ran a 5K with my roommate last weekend. The Twincities Valentines day 5k. Did it very half assed, walked with her a lot. I wanted to support her in her first race. We had fun :)

Alright well, here we go. *licks peanut butter off fingers*

I'm starting this blog to create a place for me to log my miles, food, and to vent about why I just ate entirely too much peanut butter. I am 2.5 pounds short of completing my weight loss goals, totally at 30 pounds gone. I started my journey at 150, and currently sit at 122.5 (as see in the picture). I completed my first 10K last year, and am aiming for a half marathon this year. So there you have it. I am a petite person standing about 5' 3". My calories goals are 1,200 a day. However, the weekends are a tremendous challenge.

Weight Goal: 120 lbs
Fitness Goal: Half marathon / 1000 miles in 2010

I hope to update with food diaries, miles ran, and pictures.... we'll see if that happens.

Yesterday I ran my highest mileage of the year, 5.5 miles. I'm well on my way to 13.

Food:
breakfast: total rasin bran with skim milk - 220
Lunch: cocoa puffs with skim milk - 200
Dinner: Smart ones ravioli - 260, Green beans - 55
Snack: Apple - 80, Peanut butter - 200

Total: 1015 calories

Miles Ran: 3.5
Time: 38 Minutes