9 miles, graduation, new life...

It's time to leave behind college, and push onward toward my new adult life.

I graduated on Saturday, I was so happy and so very proud of myself :) But now that I'm packing up my things to move tomorrow, I'm feeling remorseful. I don't want to leave behind the happy life I have created for myself here. I adore my roommate, I love where I live, I love my friends, and I love the routine and safety of college. I'm good at college. I think a bit of these feelings are steaming from the fact that I am moving back in with my parents while my roommate builds her new house. Once it is built I am able to move back in with her, however - it may not work out with the house building. And therefore I will be left stuck at my parents until I find a new place. I'm very scared that this will happen. I also am nervous to be starting a new real job. Excited for the pay checks, but nervous. This is a new thing for me, it will challenge me, and it will change me for the better. One thing that won't change is my friends. They will still be there, and that keeps me strong. Goodbye old life, hello new life.




I did a 9 mile run today, 106 minutes. 1 hour, and 46 minutes. It felt bitter sweet. I was glad I pushed myself to 9, but unhappy still that I couldn't have done more, that my body isn't the way I want it. Why am I having these feelings that whatever I do is not good enough. I just ran 9 miles and I don't feel amazing. Something is going on with my self image.

I've been dating around, and it's not making me happy. I feel like I'm not into anyone that I've met, and that I'm wasting my time because I have no desire to be in a relationship right now. I watch a commercial on tv about a happily married couple and think, wow - I cant' imagine spending that much time with someone right now.

What is going on with me. Poor self image, lack of boy craziness. Hopefully after I move and things settle in I will return back to my old self. Or, maybe this is just a new self starting to emerge...

Also, I hit a deer yesterday with my car. It was shocking. The worst part was watching it fly over my car and writhe in pain on the road behind me. I felt so bad for this poor deer. We went back to shoot it, but it had walked away - thank god. I just hope it's okay, and won't die a slow death from internal bleeding or something. I got a massive dent in my car, but that's all. It'll stay that way too, because I don't have the money to fix cosmetic things about my car. Such is life. I'm glad I reacted the way I did and drove straight through it versus ending up in the ditch. Poor deer :(

Last weekend I got to be a model in a vintage fashion show at my mom's church's tea party. It was neat. I felt kind of awesome that I could fit into the tiny clothes that no one else could :) Here's my 80's look:

Been a while!

Well it has been a while. I'm at 118 pounds now, and happy with it. Ran a 10k last weekend, it was a blast! Got a new job, moving, graduating, throwing parties, having parties, I have 3 piano gigs coming up, life is crazy! Good crazy :)

Although, eating has been less than spectaular. Had a few too many drinks last night, and had a left over turkey burger for breakfast, nachos for lunch. I'm completely out of fresh produce. I hope to go grocery shopping today or tomorrow and get my act in order. I need to re-focus my efforts - yes life is stressful, but it'll be even worse if I'm feeling like crap due to eating like crap.

I'm kind of seeing someone as mentioned before. Not sure if it's going to go anywhere, but he's very sweet and a ton of fun. There's not possibility for me having a relationship at this point in my life!



I got a new swim suit :) Here I am at 118 lbs. I am still struggling with an unrealistic body image. I still feel chubby. My legs particularly. Maybe if I stop running, hah - yeah right. I just feel like no number on the scale is ever going to be good enough. I need to stop relying on that number to track my progress. I have to start setting fitness goals and working towards them...


A few pictures from the race last weekend.

I was chatting with my friend the other day when he asked about my boyfriend. When I informed him that he had broken up with me he replied "his loss, he was quite average looking, you were too hot for him" lol. While that was not the nicest thing to say, it did make me feel a bit better.

Did very poorly last night.... had tacos, drinks, and some pasta salad. I pretty much ate crap yesterday, I did do a pretty good strength work out though. Just got back from 4 miles at the gym. I wanted to do 5 but my stomach was killing me, probaby due to all the crap I ate last night. Just finished a bowl of raisin bran, then I am headed to work. Planning to take Isaac for a long walk in the stroller, get some more cardio in.

I feel the best about my body then I ever have my entire life - it's a great feeling, and I'm looking forward to feeling even better about it. I just bought a new swim suit, and can't wait to take a progress picture in it to compare to my old pictures.... 30 pounds gone forever!!!

My ex that I used to live with asked me to go out for drinks Thursday, we just hung out yesterday. He has a girlfriend (they aren't doing so hot), yet keeps wanting to hang out with me. Whenever we are around each other it's constant flirting all the time (he initiates it). He sits literally right next to me leg to leg arm to arm touching when we sit on the couch. I'm not sure what he's thinking. He needs to cut it out and respect his girlfriend. It's hard to stay away from him though, we have this chemistry that I've never had with anyone - and we both know it, we've talked endlessly about it. But we suck as a couple. To bad. Maybe he'll grow up someday, learn to trust people, learn to love. For now, he is hands down - the most fun person I've ever met :)

Sunday

What a fun weekend :)

Friday I went to a friends to say goodbye she is going to Colorado for a week. We had a few glasses of wine. I've had a few dates with her neighbor. They called us so we went over there and drank even more wine. We were playing categories, and this guy I like made the rule that every time something or other happened, I had to kiss him. Very elementary right, but I thought it was kind of cute, seeing as we'd never kissed before. So, it comes up that I have to kiss him, and I kissed him.... pretty good too :) I thought it was cute. Anyways, yesterday he took me out to dinner, then we went to a bonfire at his friends house. it was great to meet such friendly people. He's so darn cute too... and he smells good, can dress well, is in shape, is fun, a huge flirt, is down to earth... and hes' a really good kisser. I feel like a teenager writing about a date, but oh well.

Just a picture of a friend who left for Colorado and I. She's entertaining as always...




Food wise, not so great over the weekend. Yesterday I had mac and cheese, and then a burger and chips for dinner - plus some alcohol. today I grabbed some fast food (sorry body), and we're grilling burgers right now for dinner. Well, tomorrow I start over.

Tomorrow I have an interview also, I'm a bit nervous but I have to get it done with. The more interviews I go to the better right?

Friday - 121

I'm finally down in weight! I hope to keep this cycle continuing.

This week shaped up well. I was chosen to pilot a new teacher performance assessment. I am of 3 that were chosen out of the entire elementary and early childhood ed departments at school. :) I'm good I guess? We'll see...

2 dates this weekend (how the hell did that happen), 1 interview, and a very long spring break. Life is finally feeling good.

Foods today:

breakfast: raisin bran - 230
snack: 1/2 hamburger bun, few raisins - 60
lunch: turkey (60), tortilla (110), cheese (110), pizza sauce (30), orange (60) - 370
snack: peeps - 170

So far: 830

Run: 5.7 miles
Calories burnt: 650

Having wine and some sort of dinner this evening, not sure what the plan is. Headed to the cities tonight for the weekend.

Monday 122.5

Weighed myself on a friends scale. Said 117.5.

???

B: 2 eggs, pinch of cheese - 200
S: cookie (more birthdays...) - 200
L: yogurt (60), oatmeal (175), meat/cheese/crackers (200), 435
S: celery, carrots, dip (100)
S: Caribou - 75
D: Salmon (100), spinach (25), Dressing (40), Parm (20) - 205

Total: 1215

Work out: 30 day shred level 1.

Walked for over an hour yesterday, got shin splints. 5 mile run planned for tomorrow. I felt very hungry tonight. Good thing, maybe I'll loose some of this weight finally.

Boys boys boys. They seem to be coming out of the woodwork. I'm not seeking or looking for anything right now either. But I'm not happy, and I don't really want any of them due to the fact that I'm just not happy. I'm trying...

I feel like maybe if I lose some more weight, then I'll feel happy. Seems to have worked before. I hopefully joined a co-ed softball league for the summer. I hope to meet some cool people through that! :) I've always wanted to do some sort of team sport. Time to start working on my upper body!

Saturday - ?

It's been a while.

So things have been a bit crazy! School and work have been taking up a lot of my time.

Drove down to see a girlfriend in the cities last night. I was feeling sad, needed a friend. She was set on going out, so we went out last night when all I wanted to do was stay in and watch a movie. When I wasn't having fun or wanting to talk to guys like she wanted to do, she moped as long as possible, and we finally went home. Later in the evening she told me that if I didn't want to go out I should have told her so she didn't have to spend all that time doing her hair and make-up. She would have pushed me to go even if I had said that. She doesn't realize other people's feelings. So during the night when I was trying to talk to her about what's been on my mind, and why I'm not feeling the greatest, she really didn't want anything to do with it. She just wanted to talk to guys. Sorry dear, there's more to life then hitting on randoms at the bar who probably just want to sleep with you anyway. There are few decent men in this world.

Speaking of, I had a date today with the guy mentioned before who was sleeping with my keys. I went because I said I would, didn't' expect much. However, I was very pleasantly surprised :) Very very cute, good taste, enjoys wine and knows what 3 buck chuck is, big into music - went to school for music recording, owns his home, has a strong work ethic. So - there will be a date #2. :) A very cautious one though.

Did 8 miles yesteray. Been sick still, so I didn't want to push it to 9. Next week though, 9 miles it is!!!

What I've eaten today was from Fridays from said date, and an apple. Not hungry, that will probably be all I eat. Tomorrow is Sunday. It's hard to plan the weekends, so I'll just see how it goes.